Ian's Blog




Well it is a Quiet Wednesday so here are some Funnies to Liven the Day Up!!! Sent to me from Friends, Enjoy!!!: And Don’t Call Me a Racist, Biggit etc etc as “It is all Fun till someone gets Hurt” Right???

Have a Great Day.

Cheers Ian

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.  They’ve told the
public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by
mistake – both are in intensive care.  One has a dodgy tikka and the
one is in a korma.

During last night’s high winds an African family were killed by a falling
tree.  A spokesman for Birmingham  Council said ‘We didn’t even know they
were living up there’

Two Ladies got talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’ d both still be

Parvinder and Habib are London beggars. They beg in different areas of
West End .

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 pounds

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder ‘I work just as long and hard as you do but how
you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?’.

Parvinder says, …. ‘Look at your sign, what does it say’?

Habib’s sign reads ‘I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support’.’

Parvinder says ‘ No wonder you only get £2-3

Habib says… ‘So what does your sign say’?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign……

It reads, ‘I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan’.

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had
not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of
the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee’s home phone number
was greeted with a child’s whisper. ‘ Hello ? ‘

‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked.

‘ Yes ,’ whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?’

The child whispered, ‘ No .’

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your
there?’ ‘ Yes ‘

‘May I talk with her?’ Again the small voice whispered, ‘ No ‘

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’

‘ Yes , ‘ whispered the child, ‘ a policeman . ‘

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss
‘May I speak with the policeman?’

‘ No, he’s busy , ‘ whispered the child.

‘Busy doing what?’

‘ Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ‘ came the whispered

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’

‘ A helicopter ‘ answered the whispering voice.

‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
whispering, the child answered,

‘ The search team just landed a helicopter ‘

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, ‘What are they
searching for?’

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…

‘ ME . ‘

Vintage Jokes!!!One or two of you may get the telephone joke!Tommy Cooper jokes


Two Aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish 
but the Reception was Brilliant.
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.
‘Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.
”That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
”Is it common?”
It’s not unusual.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?
”Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.
”What? Because he’s cross-eyed?  
”No, because he’s really heavy’
‘Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.
”Well you can’t say fairer than that then’
Two elephants walk off a cliff…… boom boom!
So I went to the dentist.
He said ‘Say Aaah.’
I said ‘Why?
‘He said ‘My dog’s died.’
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
‘Who’s speaking please?’
And a voice said ‘You are.’
So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said 
‘Is that the local swimming baths?’
He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 
‘I want a skip outside my house.
‘He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. 
And there are 5 people in my family, 
so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it’s Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, 
and hesaid ‘You’ve been promoted.’
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again.’
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’
And I went into a tree, and a policeman came up and said
‘What happened to you?’
And I said ‘I careered off the road.’
Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought ‘This is unusual’.
And the dentist said to me
‘Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
‘Does this taste funny to you?’
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. 
They charged one and let the other one off. 
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today.They left a little note on the windscreen; it said
‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.
A man walked into the doctors,The doctor said ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time’
The man replied, ‘I know I’ve been ill’
A man walked into the doctors,he said ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’
The doctor said, ‘well don’t go to those places again’
I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day.He wasn’t very happy.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day.  It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message -‘…If you want to buy marijuana………press the hash key’
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach
 the meat off the top shelf.
He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.  A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious operation.He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my
The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that 
you can’t have your kayak and heat it.  
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. 
Police say that he topped himself.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 
‘Your round.’The other one says ‘So are you, you fat slob!’

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